Why don’t people “just leave” an abusive relationship?

For those of us lucky enough to live within loving and caring relationships, it can be difficult to understand why anyone would put up with abuse, why don’t they just leave?

On average a woman experiencing domestic abuse will try and leave an abusive relationship seven times before finally going through with it, so clearly it is not an easy decision. Research from organisations such as the Institute of Family Studies and Women’s Aid have found a number of common barriers to ending an abusive relationship.

Fear

Control is a key element of an abusive relationship. Abusers will often seek to control every aspect of a relationship, constantly undermining the abused person’s self-confidence to the extent they might be afraid of how they might cope on their own. In violent relationships there will also be the fear of what the abuser will do to them or any children if they try and leave: abusers may also threaten to harm themselves if their partner seeks to leave: “I’ll kill myself if you go”.

The decision to leave an abusive relationship can be the most risky time for a person fleeing abuse, as it is the point at which they seek to challenge the control their abuser has over them.

It’s not him, it’s me

Low self-esteem is common among those who experience domestic abuse who may be constantly belittled and undermined and made to feel that they “deserve” the abuse. An abuser may “gaslight” their victim – making them doubt themselves and whether the abuse is real. They may also claim they have been provoked: “you know how to push the right buttons to antagonise me, you made me do it”.

And abusers may not be abusive all the time – they may occasionally seem loving and caring – even lovebombing their partner with compliments and presents and promising that they will change i.e. saying exactly what their partner wants to hear. This can perpetuate a strong emotional connection between the abused person and their abuser – what is known as TRAUMA BONDING – when the abused person is dependent on their abuser – both practically and emotionally, losing their sense of self and an ability to see the abuse for what it is.

The abuse is seen as normal

One of the most common things women say to us when they attend our Freedom programme is that did not realise that what they were experiencing was not a normal healthy relationship. Domestic abuse undermines the victim’s sense of self-worth – as such they may minimise or excuse the perpetrator’s behaviour or blame themselves – the abuse is just seen as part of the general ups and downs of a relationship.

What about the children?

Leaving to a place of safety with children is likely to disrupt those children’s friendships, social networks and schooling – a parent may choose to stay to avoid this disruption – in the belief (often mistakenly) that this is the lesser of two evils. A parent may believe that leaving for their own safety without their children will expose their family to an increased risk of harm from the abuser if there is no one at home to protect them.

Money

Leaving to set up a new home is not easy or cheap. An abused person may also have been subjected to economic and financial abuse – where they may have been deprived of access to funds and so are financially dependent on their abuser. Debts may have been run up in the abused person’s name making it difficult to demonstrate the good credit history necessary to secure new accommodation. Leaving home to a place of safety may also mean having to leave a job.

Expectations of/isolation from friends and family

Abuse may not be visible to friends and families and an abuser may present a very different image of themselves in public to how they behave behind closed doors. Perpetrators may minimise the abuse or even blame the victim, who in turn may be embarrassed or ashamed or fear they will not be believed if they confide in friends and family. This can isolate someone experiencing abuse from those who may be able to help them just when they need that support the most. There may also be cultural or religious expectations around staying in a relationship, especially a marriage, which may add to a feeling of shame or of not wanting to let family and loved ones down.

Nowhere to go/lack of support

Having friends or family who can provide a safe place to stay is not available to everyone. Someone fleeing abuse may not have the funds to secure alternative accommodation and there is not always accessible refuge capacity. Getting access to support at the right time can make all the difference.