Myths about Domestic Abuse
One of the key missions of Safe in Sussex is to raise awareness about the prevalence of domestic abuse and its impact. There are many myths about domestic abuse – which we need to challenge if we are to end domestic abuse and treat those who experience abuse with the compassion and understanding they deserve.
Here are our top 10 myths about domestic abuse.
1.Domestic abuse is not that common
Sadly this is untrue – 1 in 4 women are likely to experience domestic abuse in their lifetime and 1 in 5 children will experience or witness domestic abuse – that means at least one child in every classroom is likely to experience or witness domestic abuse. Domestic abuse has a higher rate of repeat victimisation than any other crime. The police record a domestic abuse related incident every 40 seconds. On average 2-3 women are killed every week by a current or former partner.
2.Domestic abuse only affects women
Domestic abuse is a gendered crime – most domestic abuse is perpetrated by men against women. But domestic abuse does not discriminate – ANYONE can be affected by domestic abuse. It is estimated that 14% of men will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime.
3.My children are not affected by domestic abuse, I don’t let them see it
Read our blog about the impact of domestic abuse on children. An estimated 90% of the children of women who are abused witness that abuse. Domestic abuse can have both short term and long-term impacts on children – from behavioural issues to poorer educational outcomes which can impact their longer-term life chances.
4.Domestic abuse always involves physical violence.
The law defines domestic abuse as an “incident or patterns of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening behaviour, violence or abuse”. This includes not only physical and sexual violence, but also harassment and threatening behaviour, emotional and psychological abuse, economic or financial abuse, online/digital abuse and coercive and controlling behaviour. Abuse does not have to involve physical violence to cause trauma and long-term harm. Read our blog about the long-term impact of domestic abuse.
5.Some women deserve it, they provoke a reaction.
This is victim blaming – no one deserves to be abused. Domestic abuse is a choice by the abuser – they alone are responsible
6.Every relationship has its ups and downs, it does not mean it is abusive.
There is a difference between abuse and day to day disagreements. Abuse is about coercion, control and fear. Abuse does not have to involve physical violence to cause trauma and long-term harm. Read our blog about the long-term impact of domestic abuse.
7.If the abuse was that bad they would just leave?
People stay in abusive relationships for many different reasons and the barriers to leaving are varied and complex. Read our blog Why don’t people “just leave” an abusive relationship.
Women’s Aid summarise some of these factors very well: “A woman may still be in love with her partner and believe him when he says he is sorry and it won’t happen again; she may be frightened for her life or for the safety of her children if she leaves; she may have nowhere to go; she may have no financial independence. Abusers often isolate their partners from family and friends in order to control them, making it even more difficult for an abused woman to exit the relationship.
Women in abusive relationships need support and understanding – not judgement
8.Alcohol and drugs make men more violent, domestic abuse is about a short term loss of control.
To quote Women’s Aid domestic abuse is rarely about losing control, but taking control. Domestic abuse is not spontaneous – much of it is planned and deliberate. Abusers choose when to abuse, for example when they and their partner are alone or there are no witnesses. While alcohol and drugs can make existing abuse worse, or be the catalyst for a specific incident, they do not cause domestic abuse: the abuser is responsible for their actions. Many people use alcohol or drugs and do not abuse their partner – alcohol and drugs can never be an excuse for abuse.
9.Some women are attracted to abusive men.
Given the prevalence of domestic abuse, it is not uncommon for a woman to experience violence in more than one relationship, but to suggest it is their choices that are at the root of their abuse is victim blaming. Domestic abuse is only ever the deliberate choice of the abuser.
10.Abusers abuse because that’s what they experienced in childhood.
Because of the prevalence of domestic abuse, many people will have grown up witnessing abuse. While that may mean they have had less experience of healthy relationships growing up that does not mean they will go on to abuse themselves – indeed some will go on to be passionate advocates of domestic abuse support services and the need for change. Abusers choose to abuse – they are responsible for their actions.
References
We would like to acknowledge Women’s Aid and Refuge as the source of much of this information.